I haven't written here in forever...I need to stop going on trendy, trashy myspace and remember my livejournal!  I miss it here...

 Wow I seriously haven't written in here in forever.  In my last entry I said the same thing, mentioning that because of myspace and facebook taking over the internet I just haven't been here.  I hate that myspace and facebook have had that stupid power to take my livejournal updates away, but due to a recent event I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to write here again.  Now I am really going to have no life.  My license was taken away again, and from my friends that have an LJ and went to school with me in my senior year, you probably remember how miserable things were for me.  

I guess it's part two now.  Begging people for rides, spending my days sleeping and my nights texting/calling others to come over or pick me up.  I quit my job and quit school, no sense in pursuing either of them if I can't get anywhere.  The worst part is that I know if I just took my medicine when I was supposed to this would not have happened.  I didn't miss it on purpose, I just forgot it.  You'd think they'd say, ok well she just forgot, keep it suspended for a couple weeks or a month and then she can drive again when we know her levels are fine again.  But no...it's gona be a year this time.  

So what the hell am I supposed to do for a year?  Really, what am I supposed to do?  I can't really work, can't rely on anyone to get me to and from a job.  Can't go to school and all the while no one can understand what I'm going through.  It's not like I lost it cuz I was drunk driving or did something stupid like that, I just forgot to take my medicine.  I really shouldn't have gone to the hospital at all, they did jack shit for me there...as they always do when I go there-just tell me guess what Lauren you can't drive anymore.  That's all they do, they can't change what just happened or make me feel any better.  

And then I've been feelin like a first class whore too lately and the only guy that wants to be with me for serious is sickeningly obsessed with me and says creepy things like he wants to get me pregnant and shit.  ..psycho.  And the one guy I really like who used to like love me and want to be with me so much doesn't want me anymore, go figure.  Nothing seems to be going right for me.  Sometimes I wonder what Jess is doing, how she is in heaven and if she's safe and happy.  I'll never stop wondering if it was me that should've died instead of her.  I used to say to people after she died that it shoulda been me and not her..she had everything going for her and I had nothing.  My parents divorcing, my ex-bf constantly cheating on me and I taking him back despite it, doing badly in school...Jess had everything going for her really.  A wonderful family, a loving, devoted bf, she was beautiful, always had a good attitude, was so funny and wasn't afraid of anything.  

Why did it have to be me to live, honestly?  All I'm good at is f*cking...isn't that sad?  And I swear on my life, that's really all I'm good for I think.  That's all people want me for anyway.  I'm not looking for pity, I'm just finally getting out the truth. 

 I really haven't written in this forever..so weird because for years I wrote in this religiously..but ever since myspace and facebook have taken over the internet, I tend to be consumed with that.  So much has happened since Jess died, but I haven't missed her any less.  There are so many times in which I've needed her.  I quit school, got a job, I've been stressing out a lot with it, dated a lot of different guys.  But none of it has made me happy really.  I feel like all my friends are gone, like, I have no more friends anymore-not that I'm blaming them.  It's my own fault for withdrawing from the world.  

If I could describe the way I've been feeling by a character in a movie, it would probably be Joel from Eternal Sunshine.  Kinda feeling afraid of making any new friends, or not wanting to, and withdrawing from the world.  I can't honestly remember the last time I went out with my friends, went to a party, etc.  All I do is work (which is so annoying mostly because one of my bosses wants my head on a platter I think, because I'm constantly messing everything up) and sleep.  Really my dog is the only thing that I've been "hanging out" with.  I stay up all night and sleep all day (when I don't have to work).  I always seriously feel sick, and I'm pretty nervous cuz I'm starting at a community college on Wednesday.  It's gonna be so weird.  I'm worried I'm going to fail like I had been at Monmouth.  I can't really sleep...but what else is new right.  I'm gonna try and sleep now I guess.  I feel better updating though finally...

Ah so last night was fun.  I went to The Colosseum with my friends and it was so kick ass.  We roll up in our white stretch limo and everyone is staring at us like wow who is that!  The line is huge cuz DjSpinbad and z100 are there tonight which was kick ass since it was my birthday, nice present.  So we're online and I show the lady my i.d. and she says no, that's not you!  I'm like omg yes it is, my hair was just dyed brown there.  She was arguing with me for 5 minutes about how I did not look like myself.  She's like you don't have blue eyes, I'm like thats cuz I have contacts in.  I'm like ready to take out my contacts but my friends were like this is her 21st birthday!  And the girl next to her was like yeah that does look like her.  Pissed me the hell off, but needless to say I did get in.  

So we're all fine, get in, it's fine, but one problem-Ray (my friend's bf) has only a student i.d. and they wont let him in.  We tried and tried to get him in but nothing worked.  He and Laura had to leave so me and Jenel were the only ones there.  But it was still fun.  We ordered Bay Breezes most of the night and I also got a margarita which was so freakin strong.  I was definitely drunk but not so drunk that I threw up, so for me that was the goal of the night and I'm glad I accomplished that lol.  It was a great great time and I'm glad I had a good birthday.  

The limo was so kickass, the club was jumpin lol and the drinks were great.  I spent almost 30 bucks on drinks though haha.  I wish more people could have came and Laura and Ray could've stayed, but me and Jenel still had a good time and I accomplished what I wanted to for the night.  I gotta go do some more things today but I'll be back later.  Cyaz

So today is my birthday!  I'm finally 21!  Which is obviously the best age to turn.  I got my first drink with my mom at Red Lobster, though they did not proof me which kinda annoyed me, but it was probably because I was with my mom lol.  I'm excited cuz I'm going to The Colosseum with a couple friends and I'm going in a limo!!!!  Mwahaha.  It was my mom's idea actually, though my dad is paying for it lol.  I can't wait to buy a drink at the bar there in the club, it's gonna be so weird, and I know they are going to proof me there of course, but man I'm excited about that!  I'm totally getting drunk too, it should be interesting.  And I love the fact that I can for once legally get drunk!  I got some kick ass gifts so I'm happy about it, mainly cuz I got a cute coach bag and a pink digital camera which I'm gonna bring tonight obviously.  I only wish Jess was here to share the night with me.  She woulda loved to go in the limo with me and party it up, and what woulda been more awesome was the fact that she'd be 21 too so we'd be able to do a lot more fun stuff ourselves too, like go to even better clubs and drink at places on our own that some of our other friends can't get into.  It feels weird being 21, I mean I know I literally just turned 21, but it doesn't completely feel like it.  But I guess that's because I haven't been proofed yet.  Unfortunately not a lot of people are going, which kinda pissed me off cuz I really wanted some more people to come, but as long as some of my close friends are going, I guess that's what really matters.  Weeeeee, partayy.  Well I gotta get ready now, I gotta get in party mode!!!

So Wednesday me and my friend Liz are singing a duet from The Tales of Hoffman.  I'm excited about it, a bit worried about the words though because we don't have them completely memorized yet.  I'm just glad we finally have something to sing for.  It is a competition and there are prizes, like cash prizes and even though that would be cool, I'm just glad to have an audience to sing to :o)  My birthday is on Friday and I still don't know exactly what I want to do.  Probably go to a club with just a couple friends then drink.  I've been so confused about a lot of stuff right now.  I know what I have to do about a certain something soon and I feel like I am finally ready to do it.  So that is good.  But man I gotta change my sleeping habits.  The only reason I am up this early is because I stayed up all night.  Lately I have been sleeping all day and staying up all night and my body can't get out of the funk!  It's driving me crazy.  Ugh, well I think I'm gonna crash...later!

Ugh.  This kinda sucks.  Well I had been thinking a lot about my major, and although I like it, I realize it's going to take a lot of annoying schooling.  I'm a social work major, and if I want to make enough money to survive, I have to go to grad school.  I recently started to think about nursing.  My mom is a nurse and I've been kinda inspired by her to do that.  And what's good is that you don't even need your bachelor's to get a job and make a decent amount of money, more than a social worker with a masters.  I talked to the nursing program people here and they said like I have to be an RN already to switch to the major.  Meaning I'd have to go to a county college, then come back here.  It would definitely be a hassle, and I would no longer have a place to stay on my own unless my mom or dad paid, and I know my dad aint payin for anything.  It woulda been nice to do that.  Oh well.  Man I just wish I could sing and become famous and make enough money to support all of us, then I wouldn't have these issues.  It's like you can always go back to school, but you can't always have a successful career in singing.  Although I'm sure nothing will come of it, I posted two videos of myself singing in a community here, on youtube and myspace.  I never got to post them in my journal so u guys can hear, so I'll do that now lol :o)  Please listen and enjoy!  One is me singing O Holy Night accapella (classical) and the other is me harmonizing with Charlotte Church :o)

Tonight I went to Midnight mass with Mike. It was nice cuz I haven't been to mass in a while and I saw people i havent seen in a long time and I felt so good singing all the Christmas songs. It just made me feel better in a way. I went to Mary Mother of God, which I dont really go to but they had a midnight mass and Mike said he'd go with me. The priest was talking about how we all need to love and be loved. I was like wow, I can't believe he is talking about this because I so feel like that right now. I have no problem loving people, it's just having people love me back that's the problem. But he is right, we should all strive to be at that place in our lives and I was kinda moved by it, and then singing my favorite Christmas songs like The First Noel, O Come All Ye Faithful, Silent Night, O Holy Night and Joy to the World just being a couple it was a nicer night than it would have been had I not gone to mass I think.

Things do suck, but at least I still have my faith. I think it's when you lose your faith that you really lose everything. And even though no miracles have happened and things are still bad and don't seem to be getting any better, I won't stop believing in God and my faith, I can't and I just won't. If you have no faith, whether it's in God or simply some kind of higher power, you don't have much at all.

Faith is what keeps the world from not falling apart I think sometimes and it helps people to keep living and going on when things seem like they can't get worse. I think it's ironic that that was one of Jessica's names-Faith. Because she truly did have faith in things and gave other people faith. I always had faith in her, and seriously like I lived by her words sometimes. I mean she always used to say "if a guy doesnt pay for you on the first date, don't go out with him!". I laughed at that when I heard her say it, but truth be told to this day any guy I go out with that didn't do that really wasn't worth my time. And she also told me "if you are not sure if you like him, you dont!". Again, she was right about that too.

She always knew the perfect advice to give you. I mean she knew Matt was bad for me for a long time and she told me not to let him back into my life but I didnt listen to her, and all it did was mess my life up even more. I only wish, if I could get anything in this world, that I'd have just a bit more time with her or something like that. I know obviously that's impossible, but I wish somehow it was. She really meant a lot to me. She wasn't just one of those good friends you meet along the way, she changed who I was and brought out a good more positive side to me.

She got me to go to parties when all I wanted to do was sit in our room watching movies alone. She made me meet people and I have a great group of friends because of her. I met a lot of guys too because of her and even though nothing really big happened, stuff did happen with some of them and I don't regret it. I miss her so much and I dunno if I'll ever stop grieving over her because it's not that I feel like I shouldn't, I just don't want to. I still can't believe she's gone. I don't want to burst out in tears like I did earlier today but I'd give anything just to talk to her or see her again...Merry Christmas everyone.

Christmas Eve is here and I am sitting on the couch with Simba sleepin like a log watching Miracle of 34th street. It's nice watching Christmas movies, listening to Christmas music trying so hard to make Christmas Eve the way I remembered it as a child. Although I know it never will be, seeing as my dad is gone, my best friend died, my mom is so unhappy and the things we used to do every Christmas Eve is just done with. I want to bake cookies and sing to Christmas music and wait till my family gets here for the Christmas party every year that we have, but instead there will be no family, there will be no baking cookies (we have no ingredients anyway) just me being lazy in my robe with my dogs trying to make it somewhat feel like it's almost Christmas.

I just don't know how to feel. And instead of waiting up all night and getting up at an ungodly hour guessing what each present is with my brothers, I end up sleeping till like 4pm and me and my brothers don't do that anymore and it kinda makes me sad. I mean I love the Christmas season, I really do but each year it seems to get less and less fun, less like the holiday it should be. I just get so sad because of that. I hope next year's is better. But even though mine is sucking I hope everyone else is having a great one, Merry Christmas to you all.

Ok...this is going to sound kinda suicidal, but I swear I'm not, this is just something I'm feeling lately and I just don't know why. I'm starting to miss Jess a lot, I mean I always do, but moreso now. Now I've always been one to take my medicine every day, not always on time, but I still took it which is the most important thing. I miss her so much and I dunno..a couple of days ago I thought to myself, I kinda wish I'd have a seizure. I kinda wish I'd have one, and I don't know...I guess we all don't know what will happen after we die, but I hope so much that I see her again. That I'll be with her again...and I said to myself, if I had a seizure, if I died the same way she did, would I see her again?

In saying that, I am in no way suicidal, I don't plan on not taking my medicine or trying to make me have a seizure...although I will say that I am guilty of doing that. Yes, that sounds horrible, but I have done it a couple of times. I was going through a hard time and just wanted to give up, I hated taking my medicine or I was mad at my mom cuz she made such a big deal out of it-which I guess it is. You know I am so controlled sometimes I wonder if I stopped taking my medicine would I seriously be fine? But then I get the seizure headaches and I know I probably wouldn't be if I just stopped for like a week. I'd probably be in a lot of trouble if I stopped for a week.

I've missed my medicine on purpose two days in a row once or twice, for the reasons above. I don't know, I just, so many crazy sucky things are happening in my life right now and it's easy to wanna just say fuck my medicine, fuck it all. My dad left, my mom cries fuckin everyday because of it, Christmas is coming and my family won't be around really at all. My best friend is gone, not just gone like she moved far away, but gone in that I'll never get to talk or see her again (physically alive anyway). And don't even get me started on school.

I just don't know what else to say, how else to feel except sad and depressed. Well, sorry for the suicidal-sounding post, but it's just how I feel damnit...

My new hamster that I bought in honor of Jessica.  His name is Spartini (had to keep the Spar in there because me and Jess's other hamster is called Sparticus haha)..how cute is he?

Well I don't know if any of you know this but I think you do after reading my facebook and/or myspace. My best friend and roommate died on Halloween from a bad seizure. And I shoulda been there to stop it. I wasn't in our room at school when it happened, but I shoulda been because it was Sunday/Monday and I shoulda been at school. But I wasn't.

This weekend was so hard. It was her wake and funeral. You know over 400 people showed up to the funeral, people had to stand up in the back of the church cuz there wasnt much room. And there was a line to see her at the wake-it went all the way outside, it was insane. But that's how much she was loved. I miss her dearly, and I hope wherever she is now she is happy and peaceful and in a very good place.

I am so depressed...

Hey all.  I haven't written here in a while..that's right I'm guilty-too addicted to facebook and myspace!  But I still love my livejournal.  Anyway I just wanted to write about this cuz it was soooo crazy of me.  Last night me and my roommate and other friend went out to this place Redheads near my school.  It's a bar/restaurant.  Our friend was playing there, they had a stage and stuff and during their break they came and sat with us and we got to know he and his friends a lot better.  They knew I could sing so I actually got the guts to get up there with them and sing haha!  I still can't believe I did it.  I just hope I sounded good.  I just couldn't really tell and then I was forgetting words cuz I got scared.  I did Wonderwall-Oasis and Who Says You Can't Go Home-Bon Jovi.  

It was crazy I mean if you guys know me, you know I never ever sing that kinda music in public!  I only sing opera...it was so much fun, so new for me u kno?  I wish you guys coulda been there!  It was awesome.  Anyway I just wanted to write about that.  Other things in my life have been pretty crazy and so hectic, I just can't get into that or I won't be able to stop writing and I have a class soon. 

Man I feel like a dead beat.  I'm layin in my bed with sweat pants and my bulky Monmouth University sweatshirt on tryin to think about what I'm going to be bringing to my fabulous apartment down in Monmouth.  But I can't seem to think of anything because my mind is somewhere else.  My head is hurting and I want another iced coffee but it's so crappy out and I don't feel like getting up.  My room is a mess and I'm kinda ticked cuz all of my documents, pics, everything I had on this laptop is gone because my comp went all psycho recently and we took it to best buy to be fixed..I'm thoroughly grateful it's working again..but it's sad cuz I lost a lot of personal stuff.  

We kicked out two girls from our apartment because they stole me and my roommate's bedroom and threatened my roommate very very violently to the point where she had a seizure.  It was horrible.  So now they are far far away from our building mwahaha.  School is starting on Tuesday, which I'm looking forward to and then not..cuz I mean, who wants to go to class and get all that lovely hw?  Me-not so much.  But I'm excited to live in my beautiful apartment cuz seriously, it really is amazing and this summer has been somewhat boring but then not..especially with recent events that have occurred.  

I'm hoping to get my third tattoo next weekend because my friend's sis is a tattoo artist that works at a place I almost went to get my second tattoo and he said I could get a discount weee!!  A lot of crazy stuff has happened to me recently..part of it was the whole apartment kicking out the two girls thing..but it was mostly cuz of something else that I just don't know how to handle and feel about.  I'll get through it though...good or bad...I have to, I always do I guess too....ugh, my head is freaking pounding and I gotta go work out...all day I've had the urge to punch someone...I'm just not sure who yet lol...gotta work out noww!!!!

Disney World time!  
-Cell it
-Text it
Cyaz :o)

"Suckers"

Hey everybody I’ve got somethin’ to tell it's what I learned from relationship hell
Lust turns to disgust a heart of gold into rust a soft touch to a slap in the
face- it gets old it goes away

This one's for all the suckers who still believe in love, this one's for you.
This one’s for all the suckers who still believe in love, this one’s for you.
It never works but we keep tryin' like fools learning and breaking the rules
At first you're excited then you're less than delighted by the end you wish
they would drop dead it can't last, it's gone so fast

This one's for all the suckers who still believe in love, this one's for you
This one’s for all the suckers who still believe in love, this one’s for you.....

Ugh...is anyone around?  Someone save me from boredom!  I've had too much on my mind, and I have nothing to do to suppress all this bad stuff I can't get out of me, and I miss you all and if anyone wants to hang out, have some fun, do something crazy, please let me know! <3 You..