I guess it's part two now. Begging people for rides, spending my days sleeping and my nights texting/calling others to come over or pick me up. I quit my job and quit school, no sense in pursuing either of them if I can't get anywhere. The worst part is that I know if I just took my medicine when I was supposed to this would not have happened. I didn't miss it on purpose, I just forgot it. You'd think they'd say, ok well she just forgot, keep it suspended for a couple weeks or a month and then she can drive again when we know her levels are fine again. But no...it's gona be a year this time.
So what the hell am I supposed to do for a year? Really, what am I supposed to do? I can't really work, can't rely on anyone to get me to and from a job. Can't go to school and all the while no one can understand what I'm going through. It's not like I lost it cuz I was drunk driving or did something stupid like that, I just forgot to take my medicine. I really shouldn't have gone to the hospital at all, they did jack shit for me there...as they always do when I go there-just tell me guess what Lauren you can't drive anymore. That's all they do, they can't change what just happened or make me feel any better.
And then I've been feelin like a first class whore too lately and the only guy that wants to be with me for serious is sickeningly obsessed with me and says creepy things like he wants to get me pregnant and shit. ..psycho. And the one guy I really like who used to like love me and want to be with me so much doesn't want me anymore, go figure. Nothing seems to be going right for me. Sometimes I wonder what Jess is doing, how she is in heaven and if she's safe and happy. I'll never stop wondering if it was me that should've died instead of her. I used to say to people after she died that it shoulda been me and not her..she had everything going for her and I had nothing. My parents divorcing, my ex-bf constantly cheating on me and I taking him back despite it, doing badly in school...Jess had everything going for her really. A wonderful family, a loving, devoted bf, she was beautiful, always had a good attitude, was so funny and wasn't afraid of anything.
Why did it have to be me to live, honestly? All I'm good at is f*cking...isn't that sad? And I swear on my life, that's really all I'm good for I think. That's all people want me for anyway. I'm not looking for pity, I'm just finally getting out the truth.
If I could describe the way I've been feeling by a character in a movie, it would probably be Joel from Eternal Sunshine. Kinda feeling afraid of making any new friends, or not wanting to, and withdrawing from the world. I can't honestly remember the last time I went out with my friends, went to a party, etc. All I do is work (which is so annoying mostly because one of my bosses wants my head on a platter I think, because I'm constantly messing everything up) and sleep. Really my dog is the only thing that I've been "hanging out" with. I stay up all night and sleep all day (when I don't have to work). I always seriously feel sick, and I'm pretty nervous cuz I'm starting at a community college on Wednesday. It's gonna be so weird. I'm worried I'm going to fail like I had been at Monmouth. I can't really sleep...but what else is new right. I'm gonna try and sleep now I guess. I feel better updating though finally...
So we're all fine, get in, it's fine, but one problem-Ray (my friend's bf) has only a student i.d. and they wont let him in. We tried and tried to get him in but nothing worked. He and Laura had to leave so me and Jenel were the only ones there. But it was still fun. We ordered Bay Breezes most of the night and I also got a margarita which was so freakin strong. I was definitely drunk but not so drunk that I threw up, so for me that was the goal of the night and I'm glad I accomplished that lol. It was a great great time and I'm glad I had a good birthday.
The limo was so kickass, the club was jumpin lol and the drinks were great. I spent almost 30 bucks on drinks though haha. I wish more people could have came and Laura and Ray could've stayed, but me and Jenel still had a good time and I accomplished what I wanted to for the night. I gotta go do some more things today but I'll be back later. Cyaz
Ugh. This kinda sucks. Well I had been thinking a lot about my major, and although I like it, I realize it's going to take a lot of annoying schooling. I'm a social work major, and if I want to make enough money to survive, I have to go to grad school. I recently started to think about nursing. My mom is a nurse and I've been kinda inspired by her to do that. And what's good is that you don't even need your bachelor's to get a job and make a decent amount of money, more than a social worker with a masters. I talked to the nursing program people here and they said like I have to be an RN already to switch to the major. Meaning I'd have to go to a county college, then come back here. It would definitely be a hassle, and I would no longer have a place to stay on my own unless my mom or dad paid, and I know my dad aint payin for anything. It woulda been nice to do that. Oh well. Man I just wish I could sing and become famous and make enough money to support all of us, then I wouldn't have these issues. It's like you can always go back to school, but you can't always have a successful career in singing. Although I'm sure nothing will come of it, I posted two videos of myself singing in a community here, on youtube and myspace. I never got to post them in my journal so u guys can hear, so I'll do that now lol :o) Please listen and enjoy! One is me singing O Holy Night accapella (classical) and the other is me harmonizing with Charlotte Church :o)
Things do suck, but at least I still have my faith. I think it's when you lose your faith that you really lose everything. And even though no miracles have happened and things are still bad and don't seem to be getting any better, I won't stop believing in God and my faith, I can't and I just won't. If you have no faith, whether it's in God or simply some kind of higher power, you don't have much at all.
Faith is what keeps the world from not falling apart I think sometimes and it helps people to keep living and going on when things seem like they can't get worse. I think it's ironic that that was one of Jessica's names-Faith. Because she truly did have faith in things and gave other people faith. I always had faith in her, and seriously like I lived by her words sometimes. I mean she always used to say "if a guy doesnt pay for you on the first date, don't go out with him!". I laughed at that when I heard her say it, but truth be told to this day any guy I go out with that didn't do that really wasn't worth my time. And she also told me "if you are not sure if you like him, you dont!". Again, she was right about that too.
She always knew the perfect advice to give you. I mean she knew Matt was bad for me for a long time and she told me not to let him back into my life but I didnt listen to her, and all it did was mess my life up even more. I only wish, if I could get anything in this world, that I'd have just a bit more time with her or something like that. I know obviously that's impossible, but I wish somehow it was. She really meant a lot to me. She wasn't just one of those good friends you meet along the way, she changed who I was and brought out a good more positive side to me.
She got me to go to parties when all I wanted to do was sit in our room watching movies alone. She made me meet people and I have a great group of friends because of her. I met a lot of guys too because of her and even though nothing really big happened, stuff did happen with some of them and I don't regret it. I miss her so much and I dunno if I'll ever stop grieving over her because it's not that I feel like I shouldn't, I just don't want to. I still can't believe she's gone. I don't want to burst out in tears like I did earlier today but I'd give anything just to talk to her or see her again...Merry Christmas everyone.
I just don't know how to feel. And instead of waiting up all night and getting up at an ungodly hour guessing what each present is with my brothers, I end up sleeping till like 4pm and me and my brothers don't do that anymore and it kinda makes me sad. I mean I love the Christmas season, I really do but each year it seems to get less and less fun, less like the holiday it should be. I just get so sad because of that. I hope next year's is better. But even though mine is sucking I hope everyone else is having a great one, Merry Christmas to you all.